Tag: social

How to Practice Good Etiquette

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date June 2, 2023
No Comments on How to Practice Good Etiquette

Handshake

Etiquette is all about how we interact with others. The whole point of practicing good etiquette is to put everyone at the same level, make everyone comfortable in all situations. How do YOU contribute to this? What is your role? It SHOULD be your goal to do all you can to create positive and respectful experiences for all parties. So, how do you do this? Here is some mental stimulation:

Being thoughtful is almost all it takes to show that you care and that you are trying to be respectful of others.
Realize your impact on the environment and people around you.

Pay attention and feel the goodness of the world you are in.
Recognize that many different lives are lived within a community and that the goal is to be inclusive.
Create safe spaces for everyone to be heard and to be themselves.
Participate pleasantly and thoughtfully in interactions with others as best you can.
Practice understanding and compassion when receiving the thoughts, opinions, and experiences of others.

Wouldn’t it be nice, if the world was just a bit kinder, a bit nicer, a bit more pleasant? Well, YOU have everything to do with that. By keeping these mental stimulants in mind and in practice, not only would you be contributing your goodness to society, but you will be modeling appropriate demeanor for those in your presence.

I welcome your thoughts on this topic.

Tags Communication, connecting, Etiquette, Friends, social

Social

Different Is Just Different

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date March 6, 2023
No Comments on Different Is Just Different

Interracial couple yelling having argument at home

Everyday Manners recently facilitated a group on basic etiquette where we spent a good deal of time on the term civility. We define civility as claiming and caring for one’s own identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. Many people in this group wanted to share examples of instances that were not civil, a time when they were the victim of incivility. It was helpful to share those occurrences and hear the effects of others’ words and actions on them.

But it was even more remarkable to think about and share those times we may have been the perpetrators of that incivility. The theme of the discussion was “Different isn’t better or worse; it’s just different.” When I think about the times when another person and I may have expressed differences in thoughts, beliefs, or desires and it turned hierarchical, as one being better than the other, that’s when we are no longer being civil. That’s when people can be offended and feelings can get hurt. It makes it very difficult to build and preserve good relationships with people when you cannot have open conversations without being
offensive or being offended.

Here’s an example: Two friends were talking about how they raise their kids. One was very strict about having a bedtime each night for her elementary-age children, while the other just sent her kids to bed
when she was ready for them to go. There was no set schedule. They each exchanged information about the benefits of one style over the other and why that style works for their family. It was a very civil conversation with opportunities to learn, understand, and grow.

What made the tide turn in this conversation was one mother stated that she was the better parent because she was teaching her kids how to operate in a routine. That statement changed everything. This conversation could have stayed civil and been a good way to understand someone else’s perspectives, customs, and beliefs. But that statement of hierarchy pushed one parent down to place the other in a higher position. Making that statement degraded the other mother.

This is an example of different styles of parenting just being different styles. One is not better or worse than the other, especially since they seem to be working for their particular families. And what one family does has no effect on the other family. Bedtime in one household has no effect on the lack of bedtimes in the other. Believing that different is just different, not better or worse, is how we can practice civility in the real world.

What are your thoughts? Please share any examples of civility or incivility you have experienced or witnessed.

Tags Communication, connecting, Etiquette, relationships, social

Social

Tipping in the US

Leaving tip for friendly barista

The rules for tipping in the US are so muddled, can we even call them rules? Who, what, and when are we supposed to offer gratuities for service? Here are some guidelines from a most trusted source in etiquette, EmilyPost.com:

– Always tip in restaurants when you receive sit-down service. The standard is 15-20% for average or good service. For excellent service, or because you have the means and would like to, a tip of an extra 20%+ is appreciated. Servers do not make minimum wage, and not leaving any tip is inappropriate.
– If the service is not good, tip 15% and speak with a manager about what was subpar about your experience.
– For takeaway food, like a coffee, bagel, or sandwich tipping is discretionary. Maybe the change from your order, a dollar, or some loose change from your pocket. No tip is also okay.
– For takeaway food when it’s a big or complex order, consider leaving up to 10% while still discretionary; this is thoughtful given the size and possible demand of the order.
– Taxis and rideshare services require tips and for average services, 10-20% is still the norm. However, if a driver helps you with bags, or anything else, 20% is thoughtful. You can always tip even more if someone went above and beyond.
– Payment screens have become more prevalent and, with them, being prompted to tip in situations we haven’t traditionally tipped in is becoming more common, for example at a retail store. You do not have to tip in these situations.

I do not disagree with these recommendations, but I am not in a profession that usually receives gratuities. I am interested to know what service providers who generally receive tips think of this.

Is this what is expected? What would you recommend? For those who have their own rules for tipping, what is your perspective?

Tags Communication, gratuity, how much to tip, restaurants, social, tipping, tipping etiquette

Social

Professionalism: Manspreading

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date January 9, 2023
No Comments on Professionalism: Manspreading

Four people sitting sidy by side on a subway train, Tokyo commuters.

Manspreading: the act of a man sitting, especially on public transportation, with his legs spread wide apart, in a way that means that the people next to him have less space.

So, I have seen this and recognized it as an “etiquette faux pas,” but I did not know that it was such an issue that, in this country and others across the globe, legislation was created around it. And though that is interesting in itself, I would like to just address the professionalism of this leg posturing.

There is a science behind postures/body language and what they mean. For example, open leg posture illustrates a relaxed and confident demeanor. There are also many guidelines around what, where, and for whom postures are appropriate. For example, women have always been taught to take up as little space as possible when in mixed company, back straight, legs together, arms rested on legs. So, are we following science or societal norms when dealing with the professionalism of manspreading?

Let’s address both. The societal impression is that men have carte blanche in seated leg postures, while women are relegated to crossed or uncrossed closed thigh positions. Men seem to take full advantage of this opportunity and take up more space than what may be necessary for comfort. Transportation is where most complaints seem to arise when dealing with the issue of manspreading. But those wide open legs are also a problem for others when dining or at meetings around a table, in theater or sporting event seats, and on couches with friends and family members. I guess men get to have that relaxed and confident demeanor in all situations. And in this society, women have fewer opportunities for that type of relaxed leg posture. But when we consult common courtesy, it says to take the space you need, but also leave enough for others to be comfortable.

Now to be fair, there is also a biological reason behind all the spreading—The Economonitor reported that the average male has shoulders 28% wider than his hips, while women have shoulders only 3% wider than their hips. Because of this, men tend to spread their legs wider to incorporate this ratio. So, proportionally, it takes more space for a man than a woman to sit up in a seat. With that understanding, we will return to common courtesy. Be aware of not only the space you are taking up, but of the space you are leaving for others. Find that zone where both spaces are adequate and all can be comfortable.

What are your thoughts on this situation?

Tags body language, manspreading, professionalism, social, transportation

Social

That’s Not Funny! (That’s Bullying)

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date April 20, 2022
No Comments on That’s Not Funny! (That’s Bullying)

Two teen asian high school students comfort sad classmate victim of bullying in corridor.

Humor is subjective. What may be funny to me, may not be funny to you. That can be seen in choices of entertainment, in the variety of comedians, sitcoms, comedic movies, and even commercials. Some people love pranks and practical jokes, while others enjoy riddles, dad jokes, or slapstick humor. And even when something is not funny to you, you may still be able to understand why it might be funny to others.

One thing I have struggled with for decades is understanding how picking on the vulnerabilities (or perceived vulnerabilities) of others is a form of comedy. In grade school, you hear children making fun of their peers. They find weaknesses in their classmates to pick on and even name call. You can see them looking for others to join in to create campaigns against a person. That behavior is almost expected in elementary school. But as we mature, we should recognize that no good comes from putting others down and that talking negatively of others is a form of bullying. And that’s not funny.

I still hear people (grown people) laughing at the way people look, move, and talk, laughing at someone else’s pain, and picking on what is clearly someone’s struggle. How is that humorous? And more importantly, how is that affecting the target (another human being) of this amusement? We don’t know what most people are struggling with and how your “joking” could affect them.

Now, some people may say, “So, I can’t joke around with my friends?” or “People are too sensitive these days.” I say, do whatever you like. Just know that your humor may be someone else’s pain.

Etiquette is all about the consideration of others. The point is to have a standard of behavior so that everyone can feel comfortable in any environment. We all have different senses of humor. And humans are evolved enough to have ways of experiencing humor that isn’t harmful to others.

Demeaning another human being has no upside. The reason most people put others down is to feel better about themselves. If you are beyond middle school and want to raise your self-esteem, you can just work on building yourself up as opposed to pushing others down. Because, that’s bullying, and that’s not funny.

I am interested to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Tags Bullying, Etiquette, Funny, Jokes, relationships, social

Social

Pet Peeves as the Foundation of Etiquette

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date March 16, 2022
No Comments on Pet Peeves as the Foundation of Etiquette

Business People Talking While Walking On Sidewalk In City

For years at speaking engagements, I have been collecting lists of pet peeves. You may be asking what pet peeves have to do with etiquette. Well, a pet peeve is defined as a frequent subject of complaint or something that a particular person finds annoying. And etiquette is defined as the customary code of polite behavior in society or among a particular profession or group. So, it is often those pet peeves that are the breaks in common etiquette expectations. Those things that continuously get on a person’s nerves add to the discomfort of others. And the whole objective of etiquette is to consider others, and then contribute to their comfort in the environment you ALL are in.

Why is this important? You should know by now that you have very little influence on the behavior of others. But you do have all the control over your own behavior. And if you have pet peeves about others, you can bet someone has pet peeves about you. When you recognize a pet peeve out in the world, be annoyed, feel all the feelings. But then pause and think, “what do I do that may be annoying those around me?”

Let’s look at a real-world example. One of the most common pet peeves is hearing people eat. It could be smacking, open-mouth chewing, or hearing food move around someone’s mouth while you are listening to them talk. When you see the specific description of the pet peeve, it should be obvious that the societal guidelines around chewing are being stretched. Chew with your mouth closed, do not talk with food in your mouth. Remember the purpose of these guidelines is to keep consideration of others front of mind.

This gives you the opportunity to pay closer attention to yourself. When are you recognizing that others are not so comfortable around you? What guidelines might you be stretching? I may be a sidewalk hog, another top pet peeve. In my desire to converse while walking, I often walk in a line with others. This probably prevents people from being able to pass me from behind. It also prompts people coming toward me to sidestep in order to avoid collisions. I should pay more attention to this and try to adjust my behavior accordingly.

What are your pet peeves? And what can you change to not be someone else’s pet peeve? Please share!

Tags Behavior, Etiquette, Pet Peeves, relationships, social

Social

# LITA (Love Is The Answer)

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date February 18, 2022
No Comments on # LITA (Love Is The Answer)

love

Social media is a great way to get and share information. A lot of us use it to keep up with people. And people are checking in to keep tabs on us as well. Many times, what we are posting is of our best times: our friends, our families, and our celebrations. And most of the time social media is one way. Though its name implies contact with others, recognize that keeping up with people via social media is not a real connection. It is not really checking on them, caring for them, or loving them. It’s just viewing what they want us to see.

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I believe that is the universe’s way of reminding me that I need to make more time for the people I care about. Make a phone call, pop in for a visit, make a conscious effort to connect, and then reconnect. I don’t think me (or anyone) doing that would have necessarily saved her, but she would have at least known that I loved her and cared about her well-being.

At Everyday Manners, we have a little saying that we live by, #LITA, Love Is The Answer. That reminds us to handle each misunderstanding, situation, obstacle, and person with LOVE. Love yourself, love your neighbor, even love your challenges, because love is the answer.

Thoughts? Comments?

Tags Caring, connecting, Love, Reconnecting, relationships, social, Social Media

Dining

Basic Dining Etiquette

Eating meals

When people think of etiquette, most minds automatically go to proper dining etiquette. And though my definition of etiquette encompasses much more, how we choose to dine is definitely important.

When you are sitting at home on the couch by yourself, how you eat is of no consequence. Feel free to do what is most comfortable. But when you are eating in the company of others, whether it is your family, friends, or work associates, how you present is a reflection of you and your relationship with the other diners.

In order to present without offending (which should be the goal), practice is necessary. Even if you think it isn’t important, even if you don’t care how you are perceived, it is nice to know the expectations. It is nice to have those tools available to you should you want to use them one day.

The guidelines around dining etiquette are simple. They center around what people see and hear when dining with others. So, think about a lunch meeting with your supervisor. What could you see or hear at this meal that might make you cringe? The obvious offenders are hearing smacking sounds and seeing food in the process of being ground by someone’s teeth. But what about the lesser mentioned, but just as irksome, fork scraping on the plate or food lingering in the corners of the mouth.

We could formulate a list of potentially offensive acts that could fill this page in no time. But a better use of our energy would be to recognize those acts so that we can adjust them. Notice, not just what bothers you when people are eating, but what you may be doing to upset the dining experience of others. Do you allow the fork to scrape against your teeth audibly when you eat? Do you use your fingers with non-finger foods? Is it normal for you to drink all of your beverage at the end of your meal in three giant gulps?

Practice at home the behaviors you want to display out in public so it becomes natural. When you are out to dinner with your Boo, you don’t want dining etiquette to be your focus. Nor do you want the focus of your Boo to be on your unique mashed potato shoveling technique.

I am interested in your thoughts. What annoying eating habits have you observed in yourself and others? How do you address these? What dining faux pas have you personally struggled with?

Tags Business, Dining, Etiquette, Meals, Presentation, relationships, social

Dining

Setting the Table, Simplified

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date January 27, 2022
No Comments on Setting the Table, Simplified

Table set

“Back in the day,” setting the table used to be automatic in most homes. From recent observations, most families do not make this a regular practice any longer. It has been described as intimidating and unnecessary. What is the point anyways? Why is setting the table even a thing?

Setting the table for a meal allows the diners to have all the utensils they will need at their fingertips. By putting the dishes, silverware, and glassware on the table before the meal is served, there is no need to disrupt the flow of conversation to retrieve or request these things. And conversation is the real purpose of dining with others. (This will be addressed in a future blog.)

Though many are intimidated by the actual setting of the table, it can be simplified to this: Only put on the table the items you will need for the meal that is being served. So, if you are serving oatmeal, fresh fruit, and milk, all you would need is a bowl (for the oatmeal), a small plate/bowl (for the fruit), and a cup/glass (for the milk). For silverware, you can just provide a spoon or a spoon and a fork.

Let’s try another example. If you are serving steak, a baked potato, vegetables, and wine, your silverware should definitely include a steak knife for the steak. But you may need a butter knife as well, for the baked potato, especially if there is butter involved (and shouldn’t it be?). Obviously, you will also need a plate, a fork, and a wine glass. You might also want to keep salt and pepper as staples on the table in case it is needed at any meal.

I think you get the idea. It shouldn’t be intimidating. And it is a great way to get the whole family involved. If you are not contributing to the meal preparation, I am sure it would be appreciated if you took on the role of table-setter. Oh, and one other thing, your table can be dolled up and protected by a tablecloth and/or placemats. But napkins are not optional. They are staples and should be at every single meal. (This will also be addressed in a future blog.)

So, try it out. Whether the meal is for two or ten, you will see how simple it can be. Let me know how it goes.

Tags Blog, connecting, Conversation, Family, Friends, Preparation, Setting the Table, social

How Can We Help?