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Tag: Etiquette

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How to Practice Good Etiquette

Handshake
Handshake

Etiquette is all about how we interact with others. The whole point of practicing good etiquette is to put everyone at the same level, make everyone comfortable in all situations. How do YOU contribute to this? What is your role? It SHOULD be your goal to do all you can to create positive and respectful experiences for all parties. So, how do you do this? Here is some mental stimulation:

  • Being thoughtful is almost all it takes to show that you care and that you are trying to be respectful of others.
  • Realize your impact on the environment and people around you.
  • Pay attention and feel the goodness of the world you are in.
  • Recognize that many different lives are lived within a community and that the goal is to be inclusive.
  • Create safe spaces for everyone to be heard and to be themselves.
  • Participate pleasantly and thoughtfully in interactions with others as best you can.
  • Practice understanding and compassion when receiving the thoughts, opinions, and experiences of others.

Wouldn’t it be nice, if the world was just a bit kinder, a bit nicer, a bit more pleasant? Well, YOU have everything to do with that. By keeping these mental stimulants in mind and in practice, not only would you be contributing your goodness to society, but you will be modeling appropriate demeanor for those in your presence.

I welcome your thoughts on this topic.

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Social

Different Is Just Different

Interracial couple yelling having argument at home
Interracial couple yelling having argument at home

Everyday Manners recently facilitated a group on basic etiquette where we spent a good deal of time on the term civility. We define civility as claiming and caring for one’s own identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. Many people in this group wanted to share examples of instances that were not civil, a time when they were the victim of incivility. It was helpful to share those occurrences and hear the effects of others’ words and actions on them.

But it was even more remarkable to think about and share those times we may have been the perpetrators of that incivility. The theme of the discussion was “Different isn’t better or worse; it’s just different.” When I think about the times when another person and I may have expressed differences in thoughts, beliefs, or desires and it turned hierarchical, as one being better than the other, that’s when we are no longer being civil. That’s when people can be offended and feelings can get hurt. It makes it very difficult to build and preserve good relationships with people when you cannot have open conversations without being
offensive or being offended.

Here’s an example: Two friends were talking about how they raise their kids. One was very strict about having a bedtime each night for her elementary-age children, while the other just sent her kids to bed
when she was ready for them to go. There was no set schedule. They each exchanged information about the benefits of one style over the other and why that style works for their family. It was a very civil conversation with opportunities to learn, understand, and grow.

What made the tide turn in this conversation was one mother stated that she was the better parent because she was teaching her kids how to operate in a routine. That statement changed everything. This conversation could have stayed civil and been a good way to understand someone else’s perspectives, customs, and beliefs. But that statement of hierarchy pushed one parent down to place the other in a higher position. Making that statement degraded the other mother.

This is an example of different styles of parenting just being different styles. One is not better or worse than the other, especially since they seem to be working for their particular families. And what one family does has no effect on the other family. Bedtime in one household has no effect on the lack of bedtimes in the other. Believing that different is just different, not better or worse, is how we can practice civility in the real world.

What are your thoughts? Please share any examples of civility or incivility you have experienced or witnessed.

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Social

Greetings, from the South

Portrait of three generation family with birthday gifts smiling and waving
Portrait of three generation family with birthday gifts smiling and waving

Greetings in the US are quite regional. Although I have lived in many different places, I was born, raised, and currently live in the South. Here you could be waiting in line, grocery shopping, or walking down the sidewalk and be spoken to by strangers. “How ya’ doing?” is a common greeting down here. Mostly, it is just a greeting and the appropriate response is often another, “how ya’ doing?” Unless you are
previously acquainted with the inquirer, the phrase is just a greeting, not a question. There is no need to share your current physical or emotional state with this kind soul.

Other expected greetings here in the South are head nods. A small nod down (and possibly to the side) is an ode to the tip of the hat. This is akin to “Good day to you sir/ma’am.” A small head nod upwards is a more modern and much more casual greeting and could be translated to “What’s up?” It is interesting to note that either of these nods can be very slight and almost undetectable. I have seen them gestured with just the eyes or brows.


So, how should one respond to these physical greetings? Well, how would you respond to a wave? An appropriate response would be to gesture back with a wave or nod. If that is uncomfortable for you, feel free to orally greet with a “hello” or even a “how ya’ doing?” The point is to respond in some way.


That is one remarkable regional distinction. It is part of our Southern hospitality to recognize the presence of others. Say good morning when you see someone for the first time in the morning, even if you share the same residence. Speak when you enter an occupied room for the first time, at work, at school, or even in a waiting room. And then return the greeting when you are the receiver of these salutations. It is considered rude, especially here in the South, to not respond to a greeting, whether you
know the person or not.

I am interested to hear your thoughts. Are you more comfortable with the physical or oral greetings? Are you a natural initiator? If not, are you willing to grow into that?

Share your perspective!

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Social

That’s Not Funny! (That’s Bullying)

Two teen asian high school students comfort sad classmate victim of bullying in corridor.
Two teen asian high school students comfort sad classmate victim of bullying in corridor.

Humor is subjective. What may be funny to me, may not be funny to you. That can be seen in choices of entertainment, in the variety of comedians, sitcoms, comedic movies, and even commercials. Some people love pranks and practical jokes, while others enjoy riddles, dad jokes, or slapstick humor. And even when something is not funny to you, you may still be able to understand why it might be funny to others.

One thing I have struggled with for decades is understanding how picking on the vulnerabilities (or perceived vulnerabilities) of others is a form of comedy. In grade school, you hear children making fun of their peers. They find weaknesses in their classmates to pick on and even name call. You can see them looking for others to join in to create campaigns against a person. That behavior is almost expected in elementary school. But as we mature, we should recognize that no good comes from putting others down and that talking negatively of others is a form of bullying. And that’s not funny. 

I still hear people (grown people) laughing at the way people look, move, and talk, laughing at someone else’s pain, and picking on what is clearly someone’s struggle. How is that humorous? And more importantly, how is that affecting the target (another human being) of this amusement? We don’t know what most people are struggling with and how your “joking” could affect them. 

Now, some people may say, “So, I can’t joke around with my friends?” or “People are too sensitive these days.” I say, do whatever you like. Just know that your humor may be someone else’s pain. 

Etiquette is all about the consideration of others. The point is to have a standard of behavior so that everyone can feel comfortable in any environment. We all have different senses of humor. And humans are evolved enough to have ways of experiencing humor that isn’t harmful to others.

Demeaning another human being has no upside. The reason most people put others down is to feel better about themselves. If you are beyond middle school and want to raise your self-esteem, you can just work on building yourself up as opposed to pushing others down. Because, that’s bullying, and that’s not funny.

I am interested to hear your thoughts on this topic.

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Social

Pet Peeves as the Foundation of Etiquette

Business People Talking While Walking On Sidewalk In City
Business People Talking While Walking On Sidewalk In City

For years at speaking engagements, I have been collecting lists of pet peeves. You may be asking what pet peeves have to do with etiquette. Well, a pet peeve is defined as a frequent subject of complaint or something that a particular person finds annoying. And etiquette is defined as the customary code of polite behavior in society or among a particular profession or group. So, it is often those pet peeves that are the breaks in common etiquette expectations. Those things that continuously get on a person’s nerves add to the discomfort of others. And the whole objective of etiquette is to consider others, and then contribute to their comfort in the environment you ALL are in. 

Why is this important? You should know by now that you have very little influence on the behavior of others. But you do have all the control over your own behavior. And if you have pet peeves about others, you can bet someone has pet peeves about you. When you recognize a pet peeve out in the world, be annoyed, feel all the feelings. But then pause and think, “what do I do that may be annoying those around me?”

Let’s look at a real-world example. One of the most common pet peeves is hearing people eat. It could be smacking, open-mouth chewing, or hearing food move around someone’s mouth while you are listening to them talk. When you see the specific description of the pet peeve, it should be obvious that the societal guidelines around chewing are being stretched. Chew with your mouth closed, do not talk with food in your mouth. Remember the purpose of these guidelines is to keep consideration of others front of mind. 

This gives you the opportunity to pay closer attention to yourself. When are you recognizing that others are not so comfortable around you? What guidelines might you be stretching? I may be a sidewalk hog, another top pet peeve. In my desire to converse while walking, I often walk in a line with others. This probably prevents people from being able to pass me from behind. It also prompts people coming toward me to sidestep in order to avoid collisions. I should pay more attention to this and try to adjust my behavior accordingly. 

What are your pet peeves? And what can you change to not be someone else’s pet peeve? Please share!

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Dining

Basic Dining Etiquette

Eating meals
Eating meals

When people think of etiquette, most minds automatically go to proper dining etiquette. And though my definition of etiquette encompasses much more, how we choose to dine is definitely important. 

When you are sitting at home on the couch by yourself, how you eat is of no consequence. Feel free to do what is most comfortable. But when you are eating in the company of others, whether it is your family, friends, or work associates, how you present is a reflection of you and your relationship with the other diners. 

In order to present without offending (which should be the goal), practice is necessary. Even if you think it isn’t important, even if you don’t care how you are perceived, it is nice to know the expectations. It is nice to have those tools available to you should you want to use them one day.

The guidelines around dining etiquette are simple. They center around what people see and hear when dining with others. So, think about a lunch meeting with your supervisor. What could you see or hear at this meal that might make you cringe? The obvious offenders are hearing smacking sounds and seeing food in the process of being ground by someone’s teeth. But what about the lesser mentioned, but just as irksome, fork scraping on the plate or food lingering in the corners of the mouth. 

We could formulate a list of potentially offensive acts that could fill this page in no time. But a better use of our energy would be to recognize those acts so that we can adjust them. Notice, not just what bothers you when people are eating, but what you may be doing to upset the dining experience of others. Do you allow the fork to scrape against your teeth audibly when you eat? Do you use your fingers with non-finger foods? Is it normal for you to drink all of your beverage at the end of your meal in three giant gulps?

Practice at home the behaviors you want to display out in public so it becomes natural. When you are out to dinner with your Boo, you don’t want dining etiquette to be your focus. Nor do you want the focus of your Boo to be on your unique mashed potato shoveling technique.

I am interested in your thoughts. What annoying eating habits have you observed in yourself and others? How do you address these? What dining faux pas have you personally struggled with?

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Social

Mask Etiquette

A young African American female wearing a protective face mask with a backpack outdoors

This pandemic is exhausting. And unfortunately, it is not over. Though many have made this virus, and how we treat it, a political fight for the sake of our humanity, it shouldn’t be. Now that we have experienced some small semblance of normalcy and have relaxed our guard, we have an idea of what life could be like post-pandemic. But with the variants spreading and growing, we may not get to post-pandemic anytime soon.

Because I teach etiquette, recently, many people have asked me what the etiquette is around masking. And without choosing a side or going political, I have simply said, “the most important thing is to be respectful of others.” It is as simple as that…be observant and be more respectful than you think is necessary.  

Again, for the sake of our humanity, what this fight should be is for our lives and the lives of others. That is what manners are, “our way of behaving toward others.” At Everyday Manners, we teach and grow Compassion, Understanding, and Respect for Everyone. It’s our C-U-R-E. So, if you or someone you know is confused about the business or social etiquette around any topic, send them my way.

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