Author: Margarette Coleman, MSW

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Pet Peeves as the Foundation of Etiquette

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date March 16, 2022
No Comments on Pet Peeves as the Foundation of Etiquette

Business People Talking While Walking On Sidewalk In City

For years at speaking engagements, I have been collecting lists of pet peeves. You may be asking what pet peeves have to do with etiquette. Well, a pet peeve is defined as a frequent subject of complaint or something that a particular person finds annoying. And etiquette is defined as the customary code of polite behavior in society or among a particular profession or group. So, it is often those pet peeves that are the breaks in common etiquette expectations. Those things that continuously get on a person’s nerves add to the discomfort of others. And the whole objective of etiquette is to consider others, and then contribute to their comfort in the environment you ALL are in.

Why is this important? You should know by now that you have very little influence on the behavior of others. But you do have all the control over your own behavior. And if you have pet peeves about others, you can bet someone has pet peeves about you. When you recognize a pet peeve out in the world, be annoyed, feel all the feelings. But then pause and think, “what do I do that may be annoying those around me?”

Let’s look at a real-world example. One of the most common pet peeves is hearing people eat. It could be smacking, open-mouth chewing, or hearing food move around someone’s mouth while you are listening to them talk. When you see the specific description of the pet peeve, it should be obvious that the societal guidelines around chewing are being stretched. Chew with your mouth closed, do not talk with food in your mouth. Remember the purpose of these guidelines is to keep consideration of others front of mind.

This gives you the opportunity to pay closer attention to yourself. When are you recognizing that others are not so comfortable around you? What guidelines might you be stretching? I may be a sidewalk hog, another top pet peeve. In my desire to converse while walking, I often walk in a line with others. This probably prevents people from being able to pass me from behind. It also prompts people coming toward me to sidestep in order to avoid collisions. I should pay more attention to this and try to adjust my behavior accordingly.

What are your pet peeves? And what can you change to not be someone else’s pet peeve? Please share!

Tags Behavior, Etiquette, Pet Peeves, relationships, social

Social

# LITA (Love Is The Answer)

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date February 18, 2022
No Comments on # LITA (Love Is The Answer)

love

Social media is a great way to get and share information. A lot of us use it to keep up with people. And people are checking in to keep tabs on us as well. Many times, what we are posting is of our best times: our friends, our families, and our celebrations. And most of the time social media is one way. Though its name implies contact with others, recognize that keeping up with people via social media is not a real connection. It is not really checking on them, caring for them, or loving them. It’s just viewing what they want us to see.

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I believe that is the universe’s way of reminding me that I need to make more time for the people I care about. Make a phone call, pop in for a visit, make a conscious effort to connect, and then reconnect. I don’t think me (or anyone) doing that would have necessarily saved her, but she would have at least known that I loved her and cared about her well-being.

At Everyday Manners, we have a little saying that we live by, #LITA, Love Is The Answer. That reminds us to handle each misunderstanding, situation, obstacle, and person with LOVE. Love yourself, love your neighbor, even love your challenges, because love is the answer.

Thoughts? Comments?

Tags Caring, connecting, Love, Reconnecting, relationships, social, Social Media

Dining

Basic Dining Etiquette

Eating meals

When people think of etiquette, most minds automatically go to proper dining etiquette. And though my definition of etiquette encompasses much more, how we choose to dine is definitely important.

When you are sitting at home on the couch by yourself, how you eat is of no consequence. Feel free to do what is most comfortable. But when you are eating in the company of others, whether it is your family, friends, or work associates, how you present is a reflection of you and your relationship with the other diners.

In order to present without offending (which should be the goal), practice is necessary. Even if you think it isn’t important, even if you don’t care how you are perceived, it is nice to know the expectations. It is nice to have those tools available to you should you want to use them one day.

The guidelines around dining etiquette are simple. They center around what people see and hear when dining with others. So, think about a lunch meeting with your supervisor. What could you see or hear at this meal that might make you cringe? The obvious offenders are hearing smacking sounds and seeing food in the process of being ground by someone’s teeth. But what about the lesser mentioned, but just as irksome, fork scraping on the plate or food lingering in the corners of the mouth.

We could formulate a list of potentially offensive acts that could fill this page in no time. But a better use of our energy would be to recognize those acts so that we can adjust them. Notice, not just what bothers you when people are eating, but what you may be doing to upset the dining experience of others. Do you allow the fork to scrape against your teeth audibly when you eat? Do you use your fingers with non-finger foods? Is it normal for you to drink all of your beverage at the end of your meal in three giant gulps?

Practice at home the behaviors you want to display out in public so it becomes natural. When you are out to dinner with your Boo, you don’t want dining etiquette to be your focus. Nor do you want the focus of your Boo to be on your unique mashed potato shoveling technique.

I am interested in your thoughts. What annoying eating habits have you observed in yourself and others? How do you address these? What dining faux pas have you personally struggled with?

Tags Business, Dining, Etiquette, Meals, Presentation, relationships, social

Dining

Setting the Table, Simplified

Post author By Margarette Coleman, MSW
Post date January 27, 2022
No Comments on Setting the Table, Simplified

Table set

“Back in the day,” setting the table used to be automatic in most homes. From recent observations, most families do not make this a regular practice any longer. It has been described as intimidating and unnecessary. What is the point anyways? Why is setting the table even a thing?

Setting the table for a meal allows the diners to have all the utensils they will need at their fingertips. By putting the dishes, silverware, and glassware on the table before the meal is served, there is no need to disrupt the flow of conversation to retrieve or request these things. And conversation is the real purpose of dining with others. (This will be addressed in a future blog.)

Though many are intimidated by the actual setting of the table, it can be simplified to this: Only put on the table the items you will need for the meal that is being served. So, if you are serving oatmeal, fresh fruit, and milk, all you would need is a bowl (for the oatmeal), a small plate/bowl (for the fruit), and a cup/glass (for the milk). For silverware, you can just provide a spoon or a spoon and a fork.

Let’s try another example. If you are serving steak, a baked potato, vegetables, and wine, your silverware should definitely include a steak knife for the steak. But you may need a butter knife as well, for the baked potato, especially if there is butter involved (and shouldn’t it be?). Obviously, you will also need a plate, a fork, and a wine glass. You might also want to keep salt and pepper as staples on the table in case it is needed at any meal.

I think you get the idea. It shouldn’t be intimidating. And it is a great way to get the whole family involved. If you are not contributing to the meal preparation, I am sure it would be appreciated if you took on the role of table-setter. Oh, and one other thing, your table can be dolled up and protected by a tablecloth and/or placemats. But napkins are not optional. They are staples and should be at every single meal. (This will also be addressed in a future blog.)

So, try it out. Whether the meal is for two or ten, you will see how simple it can be. Let me know how it goes.

Tags Blog, connecting, Conversation, Family, Friends, Preparation, Setting the Table, social

Social

Giving Grace

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According to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, “the only constant in life is change.” With our crazy weather events, a global pandemic, and endless communication chaos in the world today, I would not be surprised to literally see people’s heads spinning.

It is so hard to live in this society without having contact with other people. And these days, people are truly overwhelmed. Are you one of those overwhelmed people? We are having to be on our toes and ready for the next change at any moment. We are dealing with COVID and other health fears, personal and family issues, and work/school concerns.

One way the overwhelm affects us, the common man, is through customer service. When we patronize a store, restaurant, professional office, or any service provider, we must come in contact with other human beings. When we do, we bring all of our woes with us. We often do not think about others having their own distresses. Those combined strains on our internal capacities and patience may lead to outward conflicts.

I offer a preventative solution…

Grace: to show others kindness and compassion, even when they do not deserve it and may not appreciate it.

Giving grace requires one to think of others first before their own emotions about a situation kick in. It is a learned skill that takes awareness and practice. When used in high-stress or potentially chaotic conditions, it can truly change the present and the future.

Tell us about a time when you used grace to diffuse a potentially explosive situation. When could you have used some grace for a better outcome? Do you have suggestions for other solutions to a society with exposed nerve endings?

Tags change, customer service, emotions, grace, overwhelmed, social

Social

Relationship Resolution

Laughing friends

As we begin a new year, many of us are led to make resolutions or goals to guide us into accomplishing something, doing more, or being better. Some people are very intentional and write them out, share them with family and friends, or even create vision boards to stay focused.

That works for some people, but not everyone. Do not feel pressured to start this year off, or any year, setting resolutions. Studies show that many people do not last a single month and most do not even remember that they made resolutions until the beginning of the next year.

With all that we are dealing with these days (pandemic, health concerns, work and business, family), in reality, surviving the prior year has been our reward. With that said, we may not be putting energy into building and growing our relationships.

With technology being the safest and most efficient way to communicate with people today, we are no longer sitting around having in-depth conversations and getting to know people much beyond the surface. Though some people may be maintaining relationships they already have, we have learned that many more are detached from those they were close to because they have spent too much time together. This is when they recognize that they may not have the skills to maintain an in-depth relationship.

Yes, relationship building and maintenance are skills that can be learned and developed. They are not something you are just born with. In fact, this pandemic is forcing many to recognize that these skills could use some fine-tuning. Here are some tips to get started:

Be present: put your technology away and really focus on your conversations with the person
Give time: set aside time just to connect with that particular person
Listen: really engage and hear what the other person is saying; ask clarifying questions and provide support if necessary
Share: allow yourself to be heard as well; share your thoughts and feelings and allow others to support you

How have your close relationships been during the pandemic? Are you recognizing any social skills that could use some modifying? Share your experiences here.

Tags connecting, growing, relationships, resolutions, social

Social

The Thank You Note

Thank you cards ready to be written

‘Tis the season for giving and receiving. And when you receive anything, whether it be a gift, money, or a service from an individual, it is customary and polite to offer a sincere thank you. Though today, many choose to respond electronically, it makes it a bit more sincere to hand-write a thank you note.

Yes, it takes more thought and effort. But that is also what makes this personal note that much more special. Since you want to craft the perfect note, always assess your relationship with the recipient to guide your wording. Here are some tips to steer you through a basic note of gratitude:

Open your note with a greeting that addresses your card recipient personally.
Write a message to express the purpose of the note.
Add specific details.
Write a forward-looking statement.
Reiterate your emotion.
End with your regards.

Here is an example for a family member:

Dear Aunt Ruth,

I cannot express how honored I was to have you attend my graduation ceremony. You took time off work and sat through 90 minutes of graduate names of people you don’t know just to see me walk across the stage. That really meant a lot to me. I appreciate you always being there for me. Your love for family is clear. Thank you again!

Love,

Margarette

Here is an example for a work associate:

Chris,

Thank you so much for the holiday treats. You are so creative with your baked goods. The decorative cookies made the dessert table sparkle. You and your skills are much appreciated. Have a wonderful break. You deserve it.

Kind regards,

Margarette

Thank you notes are not letters. They should be brief and on topic. That’s why thank you cards are so small. Keep it simple.

What other tips do you have for a genuine note of gratitude? Other than receiving gifts, when is a thank you note appropriate? I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

Tags Blog, Card, Gratitude, Note, social, Thank You, Thank You Note

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