Losses are inevitable. And even though there are common stages of grief, each individual grieves losses in their own way. One of the struggles I have recognized is the act of being a support person for a grief-stricken friend or family member. As that support person, I want to DO something to help. I know I should be there, available and open to their asks. But that does not seem like enough.
Having recently been a grief-stricken person, I understand better why the asks are so few. If you cannot replace the loss or take the pain away, what else can I ask of you? As a grief-stricken person, I found it comforting to know that people were physically there for me, sending condolences, and
checking on me regularly. People wanted to make sure I had someone to talk to, that I was still taking care of my basic needs, and that I felt loved. And though it was hard to express the gratitude I felt at the time, it was very much appreciated.
Another part of that same struggle is what to say to a grief-stricken person. I have been there as well. I don’t want to bring it up at the wrong time; I don’t want to say the wrong thing; and I don’t want my genuine concern to seem shallow. There are times that I have chosen to say nothing at all. And maybe that is appropriate for certain people at certain times. But in general, I want to genuinely express my condolences and I want the person to know that I am seriously available if they need me. It is not just
something I am saying to be kind. So, I usually just say what I feel and do not worry if is being perceived as intended. I did my part.
I don’t always recommend that you treat others the way you would like to be treated (known as the Golden Rule), but in this case, I think it is suitable. Given the emotional state of the grief-stricken person, having people be there and/or say something is better than ignoring the loss altogether. This is an opportunity for you to designate your own level of comfort for someone you care about. Do what feels right for you.
Just remember that though grief is very personal, people should not go through it alone. Any support is better than none. How have you experienced grief as a support person and/or a grief-stricken person?
What has worked for you? What has not worked for you?